“How on Earth have you gone through 22 years without a serious boyfriend!?”
“Ha-ha, I’m not sure.”
“I guess you’re lucky you never had your heart broken by a guy.”
I laughed it off at the time, hoping they would change the topic from my lack of relationships to something—anything—else…but then I got home.
Well…
Dear Reader,
I’ve done some reflecting and I have found my fault:
I’ve been living my life through memories that have yet to be created.
Perhaps I’m not the only one who is guilty of doing this, but I’ve made up countless stories on how two strangers can become so close they hurt when the other hurts. In my mind I have gone through a dozen meet-cute scenarios, perfecting each of them as I go.
Two complete strangers would meet— this false memory takes place in a small book shop— I would run into him, I would be reading his favorite book, which would strike up a conversation, which would make its way to an exchanging of numbers, which is then followed by a coffee date as soon as I was done with the book.
My most favorite made-up memory is imagining the second date. The giggles, the laughs, the shy-awkwardness that would still claim the air around us. Unfortunately, in my mind, his face is never completely shown…but his smile is, and man, it is a killer smile. It’s always a killer smile.
Dear Reader, the best thing about living through memories yet to be created is that you can alter them however you see fit.
It’s summertime, and the sun gave us that amazing golden hour lighting. I had decided our second date should be a picnic at the park that would end with watching the sunset together.
Kids and dogs running around, frisbees being tossed through the air, bubbles being blown, the grass perfectly cut and evenly green,
it’s all there.
In this memory that hasn’t happened.
It’s the most perfect stereotypical day, and although it hasn’t begun, I almost never want it to end.
It’s all in my head. In the form of a nice cinematic trailer. The kind with happy music playing in the background. The kind when you know the couple is perfect for one another, The kind you know isn’t real but wished so badly that it was.
When reality reclaims its throne in my head and my fake memories are tossed aside, I began to ponder the what-ifs. Starting with the most positive, and ending with the most negative.
“What if I did put myself out there?”
“What if I downloaded a dating app?”
“What if I can’t find anyone my type?”
“What if I’m being too picky?”
“What if I don’t find anyone before I get too old?”
“What if I do find someone who I really like, we date, break up, and then we become strangers again?”
“What if my heart breaks because of it?”
The last two questions are the ones that dictates all my potential relationships.
Even if I didn’t mean to destroy my perfectly made-up world, I can’t help but let the thought of losing someone—someone I don’t even have yet—consume me.
I imagine the break-up.
After months of false memories, it has led to this moment: Even in this fake scenario, it’s stereotypically built. It’s raining, everything is gray and cold. He no longer smiles that killer smile. Again, this memory is in the form of a cinematic trailer. The kind where the music is led by a violin playing a sad tune. The kind when you know something bad has happened.
I’m not sure who broke up with who. I’m not sure what happened in the fabricated relationship I created that led to the moment where two souls who once loved each other dearly, were going to walk away from each other. Backs turned, never looking back.
Once again becoming strangers.
Dear Reader, the worst thing about living through memories yet to be created is that you can alter them however you see fit.
Fictitious memories are quite easy to make, they are also quite easy to destroy. The long tangents of “what-if” questions that I send myself spiraling through can destroy the cinematic universe I so carefully perfected, and can replace itself with a fabricated heartbreak. Similar to the feeling you get when your favorite character dies, or you find out your crush does not like you, and you feel this slight stinging in your heart.
Dear Reader, do not do this.
You do not exist to live in fabricated memories. You exist to construct your own while living in the present.
You do not have to fear what-if questions because you are brave enough for thinking of them and taking the precautions.
You do not have to live in a cinematic universe with cliché background songs.
Dear Reader, we have to face facts; heartbreak is a part of life. It’s what makes you special.
A stranger could become the most important person to you, then turn back into a stranger—into a memory. But that is okay. It was meant to be. You were meant to meet this person. This person was meant to change you in some way, this person was helping to lead you in the direction you needed to go.
You will meet the one for you. You will meet someone who—despite the perfect image you created—may be nothing like your cinematic memory.
Dear Reader, do not live inside your head.
Make memories—Real ones.
Focus on your friends, focus on your travels, focus on your studies, focus on things that make you happy. The best investment you will ever make is when you invest in yourself. Everything else will follow.
Don’t rush things, don’t put yourself out there until you are ready.
You don’t have an expiration date on when you are supposed to be in a relationship by.
Slow down.
Focus on you.
Dear Reader, the best types of memories are the ones you can’t alter, the best types of memories are the ones you have lived through.
Sincerely,
Writer.
The Big Three 